And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
how do flat chested girls get laid?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
