I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
