I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
jump out the window naked night went bad
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