it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
