he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
