my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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