Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
