forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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