i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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