just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
