I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
