Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
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