FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize