after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
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So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
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And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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