My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
