I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
