White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
