I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
