I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
