Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize