God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
