Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
