Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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