I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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