I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
