my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
