I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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