My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
