I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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