the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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