Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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