Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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