good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
