If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
