OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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