He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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