she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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