His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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