the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
