i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
