You're my little dorito
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
