i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
i out mim tonsoeep
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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