I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
she woke up with a sticky ear
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
