I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
