How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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