It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
