the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
