Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
