Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Randomize