I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you inspire me to be a worse person
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Randomize
