I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Randomize
