It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
