Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
