She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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