my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
