so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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